Help for Adults Who Help Girls

By Debbie Karch

Even though a disaster may be far away, girls of all ages still need help coping. They look to the caring adults they trust.

This may come as a surprise. When traumatic events like the recent hurricane occur, the feelings that girls experience are basically the same as those of adults. What is different is how young people express themselves. This may actually be a time when we should encourage girls to “talk out” and “act out.”

In the aftermath of a traumatic event, adults have a unique opportunity to help girls work out their feelings.

Girl Scouts of all ages automatically look to their leaders or advisers in times of crisis. If you are a leader or adviser, the girls you mentor are depending on you as one of the caring adults in their lives. It's not about having all the right things to say; it's about providing a safe place for them to express their feelings.

How do you prepare a safe environment? Start with an understanding of your own feelings and thoughts. Girls actually "check" the adults around them to see if they can tolerate difficult feelings.They will also want to know your feelings. Be honest. Most importantly—be your most thoughtful, calm self.

Giving girls this safe environment is especially important because they haven't developed the ability to process events and stress. Adults have the language skills to talk out their fears, sadness, and shock, and to think abstractly about what has happened. Depending on their ages, girls will have varying levels of maturity in dealing with disaster, but none have all the words or the context to give this kind of relief to themselves. If these feelings remain unexpressed, they grow and create more confusion.

Feeling overwhelmed about what to do? You'll be glad to know many of the best strategies to help girls "act out" are ones that you already use in your meetings. So we'll start with tips to get girls talking.

Encourage Talk

The most important thing to do for girls is listen and offer reassurance. In order for this to happen you have to get them talking:

• Make the environment safe for talking about feelings and thoughts. Create a sense of safety by remaining calm yourself. Expect and allow for all kinds of emotion.
• Look for cues to start a discussion, such as references to the traumatic event in girls' conversations, art, and play.
• Ask the girls what they know about the event and what's on their minds.
• Provide reassurance. Let them know that they are not alone.
• Don't force talk and interaction, but be very open to talking if that's what they want.
• Be available.

Answering Girls' Questions

Sometimes we're afraid to initiate a conversation because we aren't sure what to say or how to best answer questions. Here are some tips for how to answer girls' questions in a way that encourages discussion and provides reassurance. Remember, the goal is to keep the girls talking, so when they ask questions, find ways to listen, listen, and listen some more.

• You'll often need to find the question behind the question. At first, they may be afraid or unable to adequately articulate the issue that bothers them the most. Ask them for specifics to learn why they are asking or what they mean.You may find that their meaning is different than you initially thought.Then you'll be able to give them the answer they need.
• Be honest and answer all of their questions—at their level. This doesn't mean talking down to them, but it does mean providing factual information and using words and examples that fit their age.When talking to younger girls, consider the amount of information in your answer. At the same time, keep in mind the growing ability of older girls and teens to understand issues.
• Encourage girls to ask as many questions as they want.
• Ask girls to define their words and feelings.What do they mean and what feelings are they having? Are they afraid? Are they sad, nervous? Do they want to hide, or run away? Have they lost faith, or do they feel disappointed or hopeless? Acknowledge their feelings and share yours.There are no wrong feelings. Remind them that they are safe now.
• Respect the individual differences in girls. Remember, everyone is unique and there is no right or wrong way to react to a crisis or stress. Just stay tuned in and pay attention to how you might make the issues understandable to each individual.
• Think about what you want to say and how you say it with your words, tone, and body language. Speak in a “matter of fact” tone and offer reassurances even when you are feeling insecure.You may find you'll reassure yourself in the process.

Ways to Help Girls Through a Crisis

Encourage activity and play

You've gotten them to talk, so now what? Remember, girls also need to “act out” their feelings, which they do through play and interaction with others. That's why Girl Scouting makes such a big difference during difficult times.Your support of girls' friendships and their social network is just one of the powerful tools you already offer in helping them deal with crises. Below are some good strategies for helping girls cope.

• Girls use activity and play to make sense of their emotions. It actually helps them to sort through fears and confusion and make sense of their feelings. Girls may turn to fantasy play that involves fictional heroes or destruction. Such play is normal, healthy, and helpful.
• Allow multiple opportunities and different media for expression. Singing and playing music are excellent tools; drawing and other forms of art can provide a great release; writing and journaling provide girls with an outlet to define their fears, feelings, and dreams.
• Minimize exposure to news media during times of crisis or violence. Encouraging activity and play is one of the best ways to do this.

Provide Opportunities for Action

• Be alert for opportunities to encourage girls to help others. Help them take action. Plan activities that will allow them to get involved. Send pictures and letters. Look for ways to connect.
• If you need ideas, see the Bulletin Board items on pages 22-25 or encourage girls to write a letter to other Girl Scouts who are dealing with a similar issue.

Routines

• Keep established routines and favorite rituals. Meetings, ceremonies, and other events actually provide girls with a sense of safety and security during difficult times.
• Practice patience and flexibility when an unexpected discussion takes you off course. Be in the moment and stick with your regular schedule.

Use Your Support Structures

• As always, treat parents and caretakers as partners and keep them informed and involved in your efforts.
• Reach out to other leaders and your local Girl Scout council to find out what's working for other troops. In this way, you will be a resource for other leaders while at the same time getting ideas and strategies for issues that you haven't yet encountered.
• Remember to take time to take care of yourself. You can't take care of others' needs if you don't take care of your own. Especially during times of crisis, girls need to hold onto their innocence and idealism.You have the ability to make this happen, and the tools you already use as a Girl Scout volunteer are the ones that will serve you best.

Additional Resources

Research on Girls' Emotional and Physical Safety

To navigate through stressful times, girls rely on caring, supportive relationships with others and they need to know that trusted adults and peers are there to help them through difficulties. Two publications from the Girl Scout Research Institute offer more insight into what girls need to feel safe—emotionally and physically—and how girls respond to traumatic events. Visit the Research Web page to find PDFs of Feeling Safe: What Girls Say and How America’s Youth are Faring Since September 11th (look under "Publications" and then "Original Research Studies").

Besides the many Girl Scout resources available to help you help girls, here are three websites that offer excellent additional information:

www.dougy.org, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families,

www.naeyc.org, National Association for the Education of Young Children

www.pta.org/parentinvolvement/parenttalk/index.asp, National PTA

Debbie Karch is an independent consultant in New York City who develops customized training. She was on the development team and conducted trainings for the Comfort for Kids program founded by Mercy Corps, an international relief organization, in response to the September 11, 2001, attack on the United States. She has customized and delivered similar training for USA Girl Scouts Overseas

Adapted from LEADER, Summer 2005. © Girl Scouts of the United States of America.